.Heart.Broken.

Have you ever thought the world of someone? Ever idolized someone? Ever loved someone with all your heart and then one day realized they aren't at all who/what you thought they were?

Ever had the feeling of love quickly turn into the feeling of hate?

Ever feel so safe with someone? Been so sure that person would never hurt you and protect you from all evil, but then turn around and hurt you more than anyone/anything ever has?

Ever felt Betrayed? Numb? Scared? Heart broken & Alone?  Well this is how I feel and I hate it.

I didn't  know it was possible to feel so let down by a parent, so disgusted and ashamed by someone who I have the best memmories with.      How can my dad once be the trophy dad - a dad many others could have learned from but quickly - in my eyes, become the worst.

 I often wonder how I will ever let a guy love me if my own father stopped. Let's be honest, my dad wouldn't have had this affair if he didn't stop loving us.   I am so scared to let people love me and I am so scared to love people back.    I wonder if I will ever be okay, be the happy, positive, motivated individual I once was.         I never thought I would ever feel this way - especially towards my dad.

I don't know how to move on.    I feel like it's so much easier pretending like I am okay but I'm not. I use to be so good at expressing myself but now I feel it's so much easier swallowing my emotions and putting a fake smile on my face. I feel like no one understands me.

Please help me fellow bloggers. I need guidance, reassurance that I will be okay and many others have once felt damaged from their parent(s) but eventually made it out alright.    I'm 22 and have my whole life ahead of me but I feel like a part of me has died a little.  

I am heart broken.



Thanks for listening, your support is always greatly appreciated.
xxx
D

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Comments

  1. ruderebyl

    People are only human and you cant blame love. You cant let that break you or lose focus on life. Remember we cant help who we love and in sum cases lust, He is in no way shape or form right for what he has done. Let god deal with him. Dont know the background on your life. Are you just not speaking to him? Or is he ignoring you?

    October 31, 2013
    1. daddyproblems
      I feel like this has made me lose all hope in love… my parents were soo happily married for years – they were the couple many envied, including me! That is why I am having a hard time seeing the beauty in love and questioning if it even still exists. So many people cheating and being unfaithful! He has left the country so I haven’t seen him since March. I have decided it’s best to cut contact for now until I feel I am able to forgive an accept a little more. When we talk we just fight, it’s causing way too much harm at the moment and really preventing me from moving on. Thanks so much for your input.. I really like what you have to say!

      October 31, 2013
  2. Dragon_Raid

    A similar thing happened with my dad. I came back from college after being away for 4 years and it’s like suddenly he’s not the person I remembered him as. I can pieces of him left in the now him, but they’re so little compared to the whole. Honestly sometimes I wonder if I should keep this relationship as whatever’s left or try to change him, although that most probably won’t work.

    I wish I could tell you that it will most definitely get better and that everyone deserves a second or third chance, but some people you just have to let go to keep your sanity. Anyway I hope things eventually work out for you and me. We’ll just have to keep going and make the best with what we got, eh?

    October 31, 2013
    1. daddyproblems

      wow, thanks for relating.. all of a sudden I don’t feel SO alone! I wonder what happens to people, why do they change? what triggers their mind to do and say and be different. Perhaps it’s a midlife crisis? I can tell you right now trying to change your dad definitely won’t get you very far. I tried to change my dad, make him a better person, stop cheating and ruining the family but it never got me anywhere because clearly he didn’t care enough to change- clearly he didn’t want to! I definitely believe in second or third chances but I feel he has hurt me way too much to even think about it right now. I have cut contact for 3 weeks now and I definitely feel I am able to focus more on myself and be more in touch with my feelings which is why I am probably feeling like shit because I’m allowing everything to sink in lol. love what you said “we’ll just have to keep going and make the best with what we got.” totally agree!! Thanks sooo much for your reply

      October 31, 2013
  3. shadowstarz

    Those of us that come from broken homes always possess daddy issues. Sadly, it’s been the underlying issue to my relationships as an adult, however, I can only recognise my contributions, and my failings to enable me to grow, and move forward in my life, positively. It’s all we can do, to ensure we’re capable of loving, wholeheartedly. Hopefully, everything works itself out for you. It took me all of my 20’s to forgive myself for expecting the other party to be what I needed. These days, I try not to rely upon others to nourish and nurture me. I hope you don’t never reach that space within, touching the depth of your own indifference.

    October 31, 2013
    1. daddyproblems

      Beautiful advice, thank you so much.. I feel my healing process will also take quite a long time but I have faith. The hardest thing I am dealing with at the moment is trusting others – especially men. I see people around me getting engaged and I am so sour- I feel like they are crazy (but obviously I am the crazy one to think that lol) Most times I feel like giving up on myself but exactly what you say – I need to not let someone elses actions define me as a person because I cannot hold myself responsible for what someone else has chosen to do with their life. Thanks for inspiring me & giving me hope!

      October 31, 2013
      1. shadowstarz

        There’s no real reason to feel a little sour, your time will come, when it’s meant to evolve as such. Don’t be in a hurry to settle down. Enjoy college, travel throughout your country, or overseas if you can to gain a thorough understanding of humanity, and to savour other cultures and languages. Who knows, you may meet a few kindreds whilst on your journey. Once you settle into marriage, and start a family of your own, your choices and chances to access those kinda opportunities are almost diminished.
        -——————————
        As for you father, and his extra-marital thing on the side, as children, we must learn to remove ourselves from the intimate relationship that exists between both parties. I doubt he loves his children/ you all any less. Sometimes, things just unfold as such, without any reasoning or understanding to grasp onto to enable us to understand. Please. Remain impartial, and reinforce your love for both of your parents, without looking at him with disgust in your eyes. After all, he is the man that assisted in your creation of life. Your mothers pain is hers, for you to nurture and understanding but not to absorb and take sides. Take care. Please.

        November 01, 2013
        1. daddyproblems

          It just gets a little difficult as the child to understand how your father, like you said, the man that assisted in my creation can change so much and disappoint as much. I guess at this point I am just in the mind set that all men are the same but I know one day I will realize I am wrong and there are still some good apples out there. I really do need to start living my life more to the fullest. What has gone down with m parents has just put me in a bit of a funk but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and slowly but surely I am starting to see it. Thanks again!!!

          November 03, 2013
          1. shadowstarz

            I guess we reach a certain age where we’re able to discern that no matter what happens, a parent will still love their child/ children. They’re not super human, therefore, they too are prone to fallible behaviours. We can’t punish them for being human, and nor do we always know the intimate details between a husband and wife. Your parents will work through their issues, or go their separate ways, and your task as a grown adult child, is to remain impartial and love them both equally. All men are NOT the same, and there are plenty of good men out in the world. So. Don’t punish yourself by closing your heart to those that might impact upon your life, positively. Again, take care and good luck with everything.

            November 04, 2013
  4. GoldenPig2012

    Oh, my, yes, most of us, maybe all of us, have been disappointed by the mere humans we put on a pedestal. Usually, it is our parents that we first discover are human and it spreads from there. Once we live long enough, we can begin to understand how you can love and still fail the ones you love. At some point, as adults, we realize that parents can love their children and damage or dissolve a marriage without losing one iota of love for their children. We all fail, we all disappoint, but, despite that, we are fully capable of loving and caring. If you are 22 years old, it’s time to start understanding that. It takes time, but, also, effort. I spent many years with “daddy issues”, too many years. There came a point, though, when I realized that my decisions are mine, though colored with past experiences, they were mine. I could move past what hurt me or I could wallow in it and continue the pain. I truly wish you the ability to let go of what hurts and create joy and love in your life.

    October 31, 2013
    1. daddyproblems

      I really took the time to read this over quite a few times so I could absorb everything you just said. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts, advice and wisdom with me. It’s amazing how a total stranger can make you feel more at ease, more courageous, & more motivated. I guess one really does have the ability to chose their destiny – will I let this ruin me, or will I overcome it and be the best I can possibly be. lol. Thank you for your support!!

      October 31, 2013
      1. GoldenPig2012

        You’re welcome. Though it may feel like it, at times, we are never alone, if you reach out, if you speak, you will, usually, find someone who feels the same way or used to or just knows what you are talking about. I hope you DO find the joy and love out there for you.

        November 01, 2013
  5. ruderebyl

    Take some time to your self there is still some healing that needs to be done and it wont happen over night. He also needs sum time who knows how long that may take but in the mean time love yourself nobody can do that better than you. you have to be strong for your momma and she has to be stong for you/yall. As much as you want it to be you have to accept it for what it is! YOU WILL BE OK!!!

    November 01, 2013
    1. daddyproblems

      They do say “time heals all wounds”. I haven’t talked to my dad for about 3 weeks now I actually feel better, as if I have cut out the negativity in my life and am able to see things more clearly and focus more on myself. I really do need to start loving myself more, I am trying and thank you for saying that. My mom is super strong and has set a great example for me and my bro. Thanks so much for your advice

      November 03, 2013
  6. daddyproblems

    even your parents? The two people you SHOULD be able to trust and love for the rest of your life? It’s fkd up

    October 31, 2013
  7. daddyproblems

    where did I once imply I think I am perfect? I will be the first one to admit I am far from it however I do know the difference between right and wrong and the fact my father cheated for 2 years and was so careless about it, went through all our money (yes his childrens too) and made us put up with his verbal abuse for a few months is something I know I would NEVER do to my family or anyone I truly cared about. It’s one thing to cheat but he took us all down with him.
    Thanks for your input.

    October 31, 2013
    1. daddyproblems

      i am very, very sorry for your loss.
      my dad hurt me and my family bad but I do not think he is the worst person alive.. I don’t believe I stated that above either, please correct me if I’m wrong. I feel as if you are telling me it is not okay to feel how I feel nor is it justifiable to feel how I feel. This thread was about me expressing my hurt over my fathers actions and questioning how he could have it in him to do what he did… I am allowed to be hurt by my dad over what he has done. I am sorry if you feel putting the words “dad” and “disgust” in the same sentence is a little harsh but it is what it is and I am not going to hold back expressing myself on my own blog. My name on here is “Daddyproblems” for a reason. Forgiveness and acceptance is one of the hardest but most rewarding things in life however it takes time. One day I am sure I will get there but for now, I will allow myself to feel how I feel.

      November 03, 2013